I could not help it but to feel really humiliated and insulted.
the student is weak,
the student doesn’t read the readings,
you feel that it was an easy question,
most people scored well for the question,
you feel that it is a stupid mistake..
It doesn’t mean..
you can comment freely regarding the student on the social networking site.
Just because I didn’t say it, it doesn’t mean I am okay with it.
I used to be a student who was extremely weak in Economics, simply because I could not grasp all the terms and apply accordingly to the questions. I took the initiative to improve but to no avail. You have no idea how helpless I was, how I feel like giving up every single day, just because I had stared at the tutorial questions being clueless. You have no idea how much I wanted to score. You have no idea how stupid I feel I am. You have no idea how hard I was on myself, just to ensure that I can produce something decent for you to criticize in front of the whole class. You have no idea how long I took, just to complete the never-ending work. You have no idea how I was struggling with all the increasing load yet drowning in the pit of content. You have no idea that you have been really focusing on all the brighter stars. You have no idea how those 2 years were the worst time of my life. You have no idea why I was often on medical leave. You have no idea how much I fear going to school. You have no idea how I am afraid to go to school. You have no idea how hard I fought with my mind to come to school. You have no idea how I was doing emotionally. You have no idea. You have no idea at all.
Even if you have, you have done nothing about it.
All you did was to tell me to practice more and more and more. Do more questions. Think harder. Work harder. Study harder.
I have told myself that I will not look down on myself, feel stupid or even give up on myself, because if I do, I cannot imagine what the world is left for me. But again and again, I have seen comments regarding students that were like me. I know those are not me. I could not help but relating to myself.
How did I get my distinctions for both my Economics modules? I worked hard for I wish to prove to myself that I am not stupid. I want to tell myself that I can do it. I want to tell her that I scored distinctions. I was so eager to tell her, to prove to her.
But I didn’t.
I thanked you for letting me fear school so much.
I thanked you for letting me understand that you are a teacher who teach, not nurture.
I thanked you for letting me know that the more you fear a subject, the more you will not do well.
I thanked you for letting me realize that I can do it, without your help.
I thanked you for letting me fall hard and pick myself up.
I thanked you for letting me undergone that worst 2 years of my life.
I thanked you.
3 Oct 2010/Update: I revisited my old blog that has everything I have written in those two years today. I really sounded so miserable. Most of the things I wrote were the dark side of life. Nothing seems to be happy enough to be worth written in there. Comparing to recent years, I know I have changed and is happier.