What’s next?

A question that I never wish to ask myself..
A question that I know I do not wish to answer..
A question that I ran away for too long..
A question that I have an answer but too afraid to answer..

What’s next?

What am I going to do after getting the diploma? Am I going to start working? Or am I going to go for a degree?

I have already taken a detour once. People see me as someone who have wasted two to three years of my life. In fact, I have. But I have made myself believe that those years are the most memorable of my life and they do indeed have an impact. People see that reasonings as self deceive. But what can I do besides believing in myself, or like what others say, deceiving myself. People asked many blurt questions. But I can only face them and answer them as though the questions do not bother or affect me. People do not understand me. But I can understand that.

What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next?

I have thought about that for the past week. On the bus, to and fro school, during meals, before sleep, during shower, any moments that my thoughts are left unoccupied are utilised.

I realise.. I know what I want. But I am too afraid to pursue. I am too scared of a second failure. I do not want to fall so hard again because it hurts so badly, for too long. No longer was I the one who is ambitious, because I cannot take failure anymore. I cannot bear to see how disappointment she is. I do not wish to be the centre of shame in front of the relatives and that she doesn’t know how to protect me from them. A second chance, a second time, a second opportunity, a second moment, I fear them all.

Where are you, courage?
Where are you, bravery?
Where are you, determination?
Where are you, strong will?
Where are you, Tacie?

Where are you again?

我只想做自己 要把梦实现

在我小时候梦想能摸到外太空幻想过自己是悟空
什么时候 我变得不敢继续再做梦
是现实消磨了念头我需要一点勇气和冲动
证明我活过 我精采过 这宇宙

( 夢想 · 趙駿亞 )

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