I have no idea why I am having such thoughts at this time. I have many things to do! I know it, clearly. The tasks have been in my mind, bothering me, nudging me.. But here I am, doing so many random things, instead of doing them. It is not like there is not time pressure, since I always claimed that I work best under time-pressure. The task is pressing.. But there is an inflow of thoughts going through my mind, telling myself that it is okay, slow down for now, there will be ample of time. How can I stop that inflow of thoughts?! I am getting fed up by myself! Seriously! I admitted that I am one of the greatest procrastinator of all times. I admitted that this procrastinator self of mine have gotten me into tons and tons of TROUBLE and FAILURE. Still, I am getting driven by the relax thoughts that everything will be fine in the end, why worries..
I know it is not. It is not. I need to get on to work NOW NOW NOW! I have lagged way behind the rat race once again. I promised to change for the new semester. I made it through before chinese new year that I was on track and on par with the readings. The feeling was great, I felt satisfied with myself, as though I have done something noble. However, now.. I am feeling the usual tired. Very tired that even taking a breath seems to be drawing energy off me. I seems to be sleepy again every single moment. I hate that! I hate that! Perhaps it’s because I am ill today..
Then again, I suspected myself today, when I woke up. Last night, I tossed in bed for too long, unable to get to sleep. I wonder if it was my throat that is so dry and sore, or I was simply worried about the paper that I am supposed to be doing it now and completing to hand in tomorrow. When I woke up, I felt terrible.. as though I have not slept for even a second. I felt indifferent, just like before I went to bed. Headache struck. It has been a long time since I last had a headache. I even lost my appetite, though I thought it was more of I was afraid that I might throw up on the bus if I have my breakfast. Thankfully, I lost my appetite. Because I really feeling like throwing up on the bus because of my dry throat. When I was back, I wasted my time again, doing random things. I avoided work totally. I delayed work totally. I hate myself.
I fear now..
I fear that I might not be able to finish all the tasks I have on hand. I will definitely finish the essay for tomorrow submission, but I doubt I will get a chance to go my tutorial. Worst still, I didn’t attend the lecture this week, thinking that I will work on my essay. But in the end, I didn’t. I avoided work on that day too.
I fear that I will be speechless tomorrow, during tutorial.
I fear that this is the moment. The moment that I fall ill, a major one, once a year. Sore throat, flu, headache..
I fear my procrastinator self!
I promise I shall return back to my work straight after this and not stop working until I am done.
I will try my best. Really. I will at least give it a try. I will stop the negative thoughts from infiltrating my mind. I shall be clear-headed and focus on my work. Nothing shall distract me from that.
I will do it. I can do it. I shall do it. I must do it.
I have no idea what I have typed so far.