I think I have found an answer.
An answer that have resulted in a solution, one that I have sought for and pondering about.
Surprisingly simple, I would say.
I hate to admit it, but there is no closure.
I cannot forgive, nor can I forget.
It is and will always be part of me, making up me.
I have attempted to wipe out that memory,
trying day by day to not recall any of those moments,
living my life as fulfilling as I could,
hiding from the reality and my past.
The thing is.. the more I avoid, the more it haunts me,
like a deadly monster, consuming me from within.
I wish I could stand tall and stare hard at those days,
the truth is.. I cannot.
How then.. did I reconcile with my old past?
I live through those agonizing moments often.
I wrote of my thoughts, my emotions.. Many were depressing,
as though there is nothing as dark as my soul.
Not once had I tried to forget or avoid,
perhaps its impact was not as massive as the new past.
Or probably I had accepted that old past as part of me,
my experience, my beliefs and my soul.
There will still be red watery eyes,
accompanying those painful flashbacks..
I could not ever write about it comfortably,
without wetting the paper or smudging the ink.
This new past of mine, I shall accept as part of me..
for it had trashed me and changed me, for the better.
It is not a closure in a book,
but an ongoing chapter in my life, with a good ending.
It may be raining within me, with lightning and thunders,
bringing in fears and tears.
Someday, I will make it through the rain,
with rainbow over my path of life.